The Death Of A Child - The Grief Of The Parents Children
are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature.
Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the
natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss
of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and
dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and
dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39 When
a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. - Anonymous This
space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I
can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't
see anything else. - Arnold
and Gemma 1983, 56 A
wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is
called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the
loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154 Parental Grief The
theme of parental mourning has been a universal one throughout the centuries.
In the literature on bereavement, writers repeat certain themes, thoughts, and
reflections; they talk of the powerful and often conflicting emotions involved
in "the pain of grief and the spiral of mourning; [they refer to] the
heartbreak at the heart of things...grief's contradictions"; they speak of
parents devastated by grief (Moffat 1992, xxiii). It
is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief
known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a
vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do
feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation"
(Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40). The grief caused by their child's death is not
only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die.
These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful
paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the
grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to
live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal
with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain
and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died. Bereaved
parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the
empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always
will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to
accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their
love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories.
Many bereaved parents come to learn that "memories are the precious gifts
of the heart...[that they need] these memories and whispers, to help create a
sense of inner peace, a closeness" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989, 1). Parental
grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby
dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of
them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to
the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51 Sociologists
and psychologists describe parental grief as complex and multilayered and agree
that the death of a child is an incredibly traumatic event leaving parents with
overwhelming emotional needs. They also agree that this grief must be
acknowledged and felt in its intensity. These experts repeatedly state that
dealing with parental grief involves deep pain and ongoing work as the parents
attempt to continue their "journey down the lonely road of grief" (Wisconsin
Perspectives Newsletter, February 1997, 1). Grieving
parents say that their grief is a lifelong process, a long and painful
process..."a process in which [they] try to take and keep some meaning
from the loss and life without the [child]" (Arnold and Gemma 1983, 57).
After a child's death, parents embark on a long, sad journey that can be very
frightening and extremely lonely- a journey that never really ends. The hope
and desire that healing will come eventually is an intense and persistent one
for grieving parents. The
child who died is considered a gift to the parents and family, and they are
forced to give up that gift. Yet, as parents, they also strive to let their
child's life, no matter how short, be seen as a gift to others. These parents
seek to find ways to continue to love, honor, and value the lives of their
children and continue to make the child's presence known and felt in the lives
of family and friends. Bereaved parents often try to live their lives more
fully and generously because of this painful experience. To
those outside the family, the composition of the family may seem to change when
a child dies. A sibling may become an only child; a younger child may become
the oldest or the only child; the middle child may no longer have that title;
or the parents may never be able to, or perhaps may choose not to, have another
child. Nonetheless, the birth order of the child who died is fixed permanently
in the minds and hearts of the parents. Nothing can change the fact that this
child is considered a part of the family forever, and the void in the family
constellation created by the child's death also remains forever. In
a newsletter for bereaved parents, one mother wrote, "It feels like a
branch from our family tree has been torn off." Another grieving mother
continues, "I felt that way too. A small branch, one whose presence
completed us, had been ripped from our family and left a large wound. Without
it, we were lopsided and off balance. When subsequent children are born, [they]
do not replace the fallen branch, but create a new limb all their own" (Wisconsin
Perspectives Newsletter, December 1996, 1). Common And Individual Characteristics Of Parental Grief Death
is an experience that is common to all mankind, an experience that touches all
members of the human family. Death transcends all cultures and beliefs; there
is both commonality and individuality in the grief experience. When a loved one
dies, each person reacts differently. A child's death, however, is such a
wrenching event that all affected by it express sadness and dismay and are
painfully shaken. Such a devastating loss exacts an emotional as well as a
physical toll on the parents and family. Bereavement
specialists point to the commonalities of parental grief that may include an
overwhelming sense of its magnitude, a sense that the pain will last forever, a
sense that the grief is etched into one's very being. They explain that it is
also important for these parents to express their anger outwardly so that it
will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future.
These specialists say that although there are many commonalities in parental
grief, individual reactions often vary and that the same person may even
experience contradictory reactions. They also say that the two responses
experienced most commonly by bereaved parents are a baffling sense of
disorientation and a deep conviction that they must never let go of the grief. But
there are also many unique ways that bereaved parents express their grief.
These individual parental responses are influenced by many factors including
the person's life experiences, coping skills, personality, age, gender, family
and cultural background, support and/or belief systems, and even the death or
the type of death that occurred. Parental
grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of the parent's being...The range
of expression of parental grief is wide...Some parents will express tears and
hysteria openly. Others will silence these expressions and grieve
inwardly...Despite the volumes of work on grief, the experience of grief seems
to defy description... Definitions touch the fringes of grief but do not
embrace its totality or reach its core...Grief is a complicated, evolving human
process. Grief is a binding experience; its universality binds sufferers
together. More is shared than is different. - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1991, 50-52, 55 As
part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a
literal roller coaster of emotions. For these parents, a personal history
includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child. For
most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk
about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and
over. It
is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be
processed and that those in grief must look into their hearts and souls and try
to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way. "Grieving parents
are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely
and painful road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often
respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express
their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone,
disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to
grieve; there is no timetable for grief's duration; there are no rules,
boundaries, or protocols for grieving. Moreover,
those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the
complexities of the parents' emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived
ideas about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies.
Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing,
contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is
such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only
to others but to themselves as well. The
sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced.
Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this
wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood
over in solitude.
- WASHINGTON IRVING,
THE SKETCH BOOK , IN MOFFAT 1992, 270 Fathers - The Forgotten Grievers The
death of a child is probably the most traumatic and devastating experience a
couple can face. Although both mothers and fathers grieve deeply when such a
tragedy occurs, they grieve differently, and it is most important that each
partner give the other permission to grieve as he/she needs. This may be the
greatest gift each can give the other. Parental
grief is strongly influenced by the nature of the bond between child and
parent. Bereavement specialists actually speak of "incongruent
grieving" patterns in mothers and fathers and of differences in the timing
and intensity of the parental bond for mothers and fathers. For
the mother, the bond is usually more immediate and demonstrable, more intense
at the beginning of life, more emotionally and physically intimate. The
mother's bond with the baby is usually tightly forged from the moment of conception
and continues through the pregnancy, the birth, and the nursing process. The
maternal bond involves the present and the baby's immediate needs, while the
father's bond with the baby more often concerns the future and dreams and
expectations for the child. Today, however, many fathers are forging earlier
and more intense prenatal bonds with their babies. Fathers also are often
present in the delivery room for the birth. Some fathers become direct
caregivers of the newborn, developing early and close bonds with their infants.
Yet, still in many cases, "the father's emotional investment in parenting
tends to occur later and less intensely than the mother's. This has
implications for the way parents grieve" (Cordell and Thomas 1990, 75). When
is it my turn to cry? I'm not sure society or my upbringing will allow me a
time to really cry, unafraid of the reaction and repercussion that might
follow. I must be strong, I must support my wife because I am a man. I must be
the cornerstone of our family because society says so, my family says so, and,
until I can reverse my learned nature, I say so. - A FATHER, IN DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 112 In
spite of the trend towards earlier bonding between fathers and babies, the
influence of cultural expectations about men and grief persists and is
powerful. Typically, the societal view of parental loss is not the same for the
father as the mother. Most of the literature on parental bereavement still
tends to focus on the mother's grief. Often, men are not acknowledged as experiencing
grief; or more importantly, men are not taught that it's necessary to grieve
and are discouraged from demonstrating signs of grief openly. Bereaved fathers
frequently feel that they are the forgotten mourners and are often referred to
as "second class grievers" (Horchler and Morris 1994, 72). Fathers
are expected to be strong for their partners, to be the "rock" in the
family. All too often fathers are considered to be the ones who should attend
to the practical but not the emotional aspects surrounding the death; they are
expected to be the ones who should not let emotions show or tears fall outwardly,
the ones who will not and should not fall apart. Men are often asked how their
wives are doing, but not asked how they are doing. Such
expectations place an unmanageable burden on men and deprive them of their
rightful and urgent need to grieve. This need will surface eventually if it is
not expressed. It is not unusual for grieving fathers to feel overwhelmed,
ignored, isolated, and abandoned as they try to continue to be caregivers and
breadwinners for their families while their hearts are breaking. "Fathers'
feelings [often] stay hidden under layers of responsibility and grim
determination" (Staudacher 1991, 124). Bereaved fathers often say that
such strong emotions are very difficult to contain after their child's death.
Fathers often fear that they will erupt like volcanoes if they allow themselves
to release these feelings and so, too often, fathers try to bury their pain
with the child who died. It
is most important that a father's grief be verbalized and understood by his
partner, other family members, professionals, coworkers, friends, and by anyone
who will listen. Fathers need to try to free themselves of stereotypes and
societal expectations about men and grief; they must be able to tell others
that their grief is all they have from their child's brief life. Fathers
repeatedly say that for their own peace of mind, they (and those who care about
them) need to move away from this mind set and allow them to grieve as they are
entitled. In
too many instances, fathers' responses to infant loss tend to coincide with how
they believe they should act as men, rather than how they need to act to
confront and resolve [their own] grief. - CORDELL AND THOMAS 1990, 75 When
children die, the bond doesn't break... [But] the parents face two mutually
exclusive facts. The child is gone and not coming back, and the bond is...as
powerful a bonding as people have in their abilities... [Bereaved parents
attempt] to let go, not of the child, but of the pain. - FINKBEINER 1996, 244, 249 Conclusion Children
are valuable and precious symbols of what lies ahead. Children are considered
the hope of the future. When a child dies, that hope is lost. Two
universals stand out when reflecting on parental grief-a child's death is
disorienting, and letting go of a child is impossible. Parents never forget a
child who dies. The bond they formed with their child extends beyond death. As
survivors, bereaved parents try to adapt to the new existence forced on them.
They try to pass on to others the love and other special gifts they received
from their child; they try to make the child who died a part of their lives
forever; they constantly try to "honor the child who should have lived"
(Finkbeiner 1996, xiv). Bereaved parents encourage others who care for and
about them to do the same. They ask others to help them, to be for them "a
lifeline of support, a lifeline to survival [and to understand]...the crying of
their souls" (Donnelly 1982, ix). Bereaved
parents say, "Our children are in our blood; the bond with them doesn't
seem to break [and they attempt to] find subtle and apparently unconscious ways
of preserving that bond" (Finkbeiner 1996, xiii, xiv). Bereaved parents
need to do this to deal with what seems like an endless roadblock of loss and
sadness. One bereaved parent expressed it by saying that the wound heals, but
the scar remains forever. What
has happened to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life
the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move
forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong
enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their
grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making
this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their
life's story, a part of their very being. Bereaved
parents learn to live with the memories, the lost hopes, the shattered dreams.
[They] never 'get over' the death, but [they] do recover, adjust and learn to
live with [the] pain. - DONNELLY
1982, X In
writing about bereavement, Rollo May, the religious psychologist said that the
only way out is ahead and the choice is whether to cringe from it or to affirm
it. To be able to continue this lifetime journey and to make it manageable and
productive, bereaved parents must move ahead and affirm this loss while also
affirming their own lives. Eventually,
time will cease to stand still for these parents. Painful and terrible moments
will still occur-striking, poignant, but in some ways comforting, reminders of
the child who died. There will also be regrets for experiences that were never
shared. But at some unknown and even unexpected point, these parents will come
to realize that there can be good moments, even happy and beautiful moments,
and it will not seem impossible or wrong to smile or laugh, but it will seem
right and beautiful and a fitting way to honor and remember the child who died.
One day, bereaved parents may come to be "surprised by joy" (Moffat
1992, xxvii). But
in time... nature takes care of it; the waves of pain lose intensity a little
and come less frequently. Then friends and relatives say the parents are
getting over it, and that time heals all wounds. The parents themselves say
that as the pain lessens, they begin to have energy for people and things
outside themselves...This is a decision parents say [they] must make to live as
well as they can in [their] new world... They can come to be happy, but never
as happy. Their perspective on this and everything has changed. Their child's
death is the reason for this and is a measure of the depth and breadth of the
bond between parent and child. -
FINKBEINER 1996,12, 20, 22, 23 |